Some years ago, I am not sure exactly when, someone said negative and unnecessary comments to me about my choice of being a ballet dancer. It is an interesting thing how human beings can hear and feel so much positive but one negative can stay inside us like a splinter that just doesn't go away. Her point was that as a mom I was putting my selfish desires first and that someday I would regret this time and burden I was placing on my family.
About once or twice a year these harsh judgements come finding their way back from the recesses of memory into my conscious day-to-day reality. This time of year is definitely one of those times. I am preparing to perform in less than a week. It is a stressful and emotional because of the time and energy I put out of myself. It leaves me feeling very vulnerable.
I have found two ways that have helped me remove the negativity that forces itself into my happy place.
I don't subscribe to the idea that if it makes you happy it must be alright. There are plenty of things that make me happy that are not good for my body, mind or soul. I know that ballet is good for me and does make happy.
The first thing I have focused on is the love, support and encouragement I receive from many wonderful people in my life. Friends, family members, community members, including my ward (congregation) and especially the other dancers I share the dance floor with through blood, sweat and tears. Literally. I am beyond grateful for the support I graciously accept into my life. I can not see past the negative without the positive to light the way. I know this choice to dance has come into my life only because I have a supportive spouse and children who want to see me be successful in this venture.
The second is that ballet makes me feel good. This occurs both in physical and mental well being. I believe that all good feelings and desires come from our Heavenly Father. He does not give us promptings of fear, despair or yes, even guilt. I have realized my feelings of guilt for spending time focusing on my dancing is not from my Father. The beauty, love and joy I feel in my art comes from a spiritual place that enlightens all the other good things in my life including my family.
So here it is ... this is my story.
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I started ballet at the Classical Ballet Conservatory in Orange County. My ballet teacher was strict, mean and could never pronounce my last name correctly. I feared and admired her even when she wouldn't let me go to the bathroom and I peed my pants at the barre. I learned beautiful technique and flawless discipline.
I gained a great love of performing. We would perform twice a year, one the Nutcracker in December and then a variation in the Fall. I remember many great roles and opportunities that fostered my desire to be on the stage.
My favorite memories are small details like my mom laying my head in her lap so she could apply the plethora of stage makeup or being Clara's favorite little ballerina. I remember smells of backstage, makeup, sweat and rosin for pointe shoes. I can identify feelings of excitement and loving the feeling of the bright lights while standing centerstage.
When I was just about to turn ten years old we moved to just outside of Seattle Washington. My parents worked a miracle for me to experience dancing with Pacific Northwest Ballet School. I know it was not easy; financially, logistics and time consuming. My memories of my mother endlessly driving me to Seattle to dance are beyond gratitude that I can express.
I have more memories of dancing with PNB then I can describe in this format. I danced at the highest level possible for my age and location. It was exactly what you can imagine. Difficult, hard work, rewarding, empowering, heartbreaking, fulfilling ... and on and on.
I performed in the Nutcracker at the Seattle Opera House. I danced to a live orchestra. I had ballet teachers who did not speak English. I had Summer Intensives that opened a completely different world to me within dance. I loved and hated. It was exciting and confusing. It was competitive and all encompassing.
I would not trade the instruction, knowledge or opportunities that I was privileged to have in that time in my life. I was dancing five times a week, most of the Summer and even some weekends.
As I reached my teenage years I made an impossible decision. I left PNB for an unknown future that goals required me to be more than a professional ballet dancer. I wanted to experience more. I was missing out on so much in life within the walls of the studio.
I wanted to date, attend church more regularly, have "normal" friends, go to high school football games, and eat whatever I wanted. I wanted to someday have a family and be able to stay home with my children while they were young. I had dreams of college and a mission for my church. I had hopes for discovering more about myself that I didn't know.
PNB made the decision a little easier. They did not believe my hips or my feet were developing in a way that was natural talent for a ballet dancer. This would require additional instruction, pilates, and work. They also were taking away my scholarship to dance with them and the full tuition would be our burden.
My parents assured me to not take money and inconveniences to the family as part of my decision. They allowed me the chance to decide on my own without anything else but my heart's desire as the path to follow. I owe much to the way they allowed me to make the choice. There were no regrets in my decision because I was able to make it on my own with a surety that it was for me.
I received many spiritual experiences during this time of turmoil that helped me have the peace to leave ballet. I tried dancing with another school and it was not the same. It was too difficult for me to transition to dancing just for fun. I was too young to possess the maturity to understand I could dance to just dance. Not after my intense experience of ballet being my life.
I danced a bit in college and after college I took classes at a local studio while working at Disneyland. I no longer identified with being a dancer. I didn't introduce myself as ballet dancer and even kept my past to myself on many occasions.
It wasn't until my 30th birthday that I even considered taking another ballet class. I had three small children and I was losing my mind. I was up to my neck in diapers, laundry, dishes, mom and wife roles that I felt like I was losing my identity.
I remember my Grandmother Nebeker saying, "Everyone needs a passion." What was mine?
![]()
My husband encouraged me to find something for myself. So I enrolled in a beginning ballet class at the local community college. My first class I stood at the back of the room and tried to blend in. The teacher reviewed the beginning positions and elementary steps. I was just happy to be there remembering something I loved.
At the end of class she came up to me and asked to speak to me. She said I as not welcome back to this class. She told me that I needed to be in her advance class. This was six years ago.
I have been given a second chance at something I loved so much that I sacrificed for dreams that became my reality. I am a mom and a wife. I did go to college and had many wonderful adventures. I know and love more than ballet but it was my first love.
![]()
I am currently a ballet teacher for Lake Havasu Ballet. I am on the board for the ballet program. I am soloist dancer within our ensemble and this year I will be performing my first pas de deux with a professional ballet dancer.
I am ballet dancer in a different package than I original set out to be but with so much more depth. It means more to me now that I know what it is like to not dance.
![]()
Everyone needs a passion and mine is ballet. Goodbye negativity, self doubt and guilt. This is my time on the stage.
(mic drop, exit stage right)
About once or twice a year these harsh judgements come finding their way back from the recesses of memory into my conscious day-to-day reality. This time of year is definitely one of those times. I am preparing to perform in less than a week. It is a stressful and emotional because of the time and energy I put out of myself. It leaves me feeling very vulnerable.
I have found two ways that have helped me remove the negativity that forces itself into my happy place.
I don't subscribe to the idea that if it makes you happy it must be alright. There are plenty of things that make me happy that are not good for my body, mind or soul. I know that ballet is good for me and does make happy.
The first thing I have focused on is the love, support and encouragement I receive from many wonderful people in my life. Friends, family members, community members, including my ward (congregation) and especially the other dancers I share the dance floor with through blood, sweat and tears. Literally. I am beyond grateful for the support I graciously accept into my life. I can not see past the negative without the positive to light the way. I know this choice to dance has come into my life only because I have a supportive spouse and children who want to see me be successful in this venture.
The second is that ballet makes me feel good. This occurs both in physical and mental well being. I believe that all good feelings and desires come from our Heavenly Father. He does not give us promptings of fear, despair or yes, even guilt. I have realized my feelings of guilt for spending time focusing on my dancing is not from my Father. The beauty, love and joy I feel in my art comes from a spiritual place that enlightens all the other good things in my life including my family.
So here it is ... this is my story.
I started ballet at the Classical Ballet Conservatory in Orange County. My ballet teacher was strict, mean and could never pronounce my last name correctly. I feared and admired her even when she wouldn't let me go to the bathroom and I peed my pants at the barre. I learned beautiful technique and flawless discipline.I gained a great love of performing. We would perform twice a year, one the Nutcracker in December and then a variation in the Fall. I remember many great roles and opportunities that fostered my desire to be on the stage.
My favorite memories are small details like my mom laying my head in her lap so she could apply the plethora of stage makeup or being Clara's favorite little ballerina. I remember smells of backstage, makeup, sweat and rosin for pointe shoes. I can identify feelings of excitement and loving the feeling of the bright lights while standing centerstage.
When I was just about to turn ten years old we moved to just outside of Seattle Washington. My parents worked a miracle for me to experience dancing with Pacific Northwest Ballet School. I know it was not easy; financially, logistics and time consuming. My memories of my mother endlessly driving me to Seattle to dance are beyond gratitude that I can express.
I have more memories of dancing with PNB then I can describe in this format. I danced at the highest level possible for my age and location. It was exactly what you can imagine. Difficult, hard work, rewarding, empowering, heartbreaking, fulfilling ... and on and on.
I performed in the Nutcracker at the Seattle Opera House. I danced to a live orchestra. I had ballet teachers who did not speak English. I had Summer Intensives that opened a completely different world to me within dance. I loved and hated. It was exciting and confusing. It was competitive and all encompassing.
I would not trade the instruction, knowledge or opportunities that I was privileged to have in that time in my life. I was dancing five times a week, most of the Summer and even some weekends.
As I reached my teenage years I made an impossible decision. I left PNB for an unknown future that goals required me to be more than a professional ballet dancer. I wanted to experience more. I was missing out on so much in life within the walls of the studio.
I wanted to date, attend church more regularly, have "normal" friends, go to high school football games, and eat whatever I wanted. I wanted to someday have a family and be able to stay home with my children while they were young. I had dreams of college and a mission for my church. I had hopes for discovering more about myself that I didn't know.
PNB made the decision a little easier. They did not believe my hips or my feet were developing in a way that was natural talent for a ballet dancer. This would require additional instruction, pilates, and work. They also were taking away my scholarship to dance with them and the full tuition would be our burden.
My parents assured me to not take money and inconveniences to the family as part of my decision. They allowed me the chance to decide on my own without anything else but my heart's desire as the path to follow. I owe much to the way they allowed me to make the choice. There were no regrets in my decision because I was able to make it on my own with a surety that it was for me.
I received many spiritual experiences during this time of turmoil that helped me have the peace to leave ballet. I tried dancing with another school and it was not the same. It was too difficult for me to transition to dancing just for fun. I was too young to possess the maturity to understand I could dance to just dance. Not after my intense experience of ballet being my life.
I danced a bit in college and after college I took classes at a local studio while working at Disneyland. I no longer identified with being a dancer. I didn't introduce myself as ballet dancer and even kept my past to myself on many occasions.
It wasn't until my 30th birthday that I even considered taking another ballet class. I had three small children and I was losing my mind. I was up to my neck in diapers, laundry, dishes, mom and wife roles that I felt like I was losing my identity.
I remember my Grandmother Nebeker saying, "Everyone needs a passion." What was mine?
My husband encouraged me to find something for myself. So I enrolled in a beginning ballet class at the local community college. My first class I stood at the back of the room and tried to blend in. The teacher reviewed the beginning positions and elementary steps. I was just happy to be there remembering something I loved.
At the end of class she came up to me and asked to speak to me. She said I as not welcome back to this class. She told me that I needed to be in her advance class. This was six years ago.
I have been given a second chance at something I loved so much that I sacrificed for dreams that became my reality. I am a mom and a wife. I did go to college and had many wonderful adventures. I know and love more than ballet but it was my first love.
I am currently a ballet teacher for Lake Havasu Ballet. I am on the board for the ballet program. I am soloist dancer within our ensemble and this year I will be performing my first pas de deux with a professional ballet dancer.
I am ballet dancer in a different package than I original set out to be but with so much more depth. It means more to me now that I know what it is like to not dance.
Everyone needs a passion and mine is ballet. Goodbye negativity, self doubt and guilt. This is my time on the stage.
(mic drop, exit stage right)
